On my place in the world

This post has been moved from an obsolete blog page. It was originally posted in August 2006.

Here is an excerpt from What Should I Do With My Life? by Po Bronson that I found particularly honest and interesting.

No matter how realistic the stories were that I'd found, there was no doubt that I had a slant. Why was I bent on encouraging people to change their lives? Because I've watched my generation stop reading books, stop reading the newspaper, stop voting in local elections? Because I've watched money/salary become a proxy for respect, and then a synonym for respect, and then the only kind of respect that counts? Because I have seen us judge books we have not read, politicians we have not heard, musicians we have not listened to, referendums we have not debated, and fellow citizens we have not met? Because I have sen us torn apart by jealousy for what others our age have accomplished, rather than celebrating those accomplishments? Because I have seen us glorify those who make decisions over those who enact decisions, prefer being a consultant to being fully engaged, being an investor to being invested in, being an adviser over being politically involved, being an expert over being partisan, being a news analyst over being a news gatherer - all in fear of the inflexible boredom of commitment?


This excerpt addresses a lot of fears of mine, and presumably of my friends who also struggle with what to do with their lives.

My friend Leslie is a PhD in biophysics, but everyday she dreams of volunteering at planned parenthood, going to medical school, making a lot of money, working with people, getting married and having a kid, or otherwise changing her life.

My friend Nell has a law degree from UT, but she has worked at Home Depot and then the water authority for Austin, and dreams about photography school or becoming a vetrenarian.

My friend Tamara has a biology degree and is now a psychic and is about to leave the country for South America.

I got a degree in biology, then I got an MFA in poetry, then I got a job, and now I've quit to learn Spanish in Spain. Or to write in Barcelona. I'm still not sure.

Why do we struggle? What is it we're looking for? Why does doing what everyone else is doing seem so vacuous and horrifying?

We're not secure. Money won't give us security. It's about something else. I don't really know what it is about though.

Doesn't it seem like there must be more than just money? something more than financial freedom and security (because that's the only kind of freedom and security a job brings - in fact one guy in the book said his pinstripes were his jailcell, really displacing the idea of salary freedom)? More than owning a piece of property? More than having kids and a mortagage?

Work defines so much of a person's life. Most jobs require 40 hours a week, sometimes more, sometimes less, but still,
that's so much time! There are 168 hours in a week. Say you sleep 49, work 40; that's 79 hours left. If you
commute, that takes up at least 3 hours, for many more like 7 or 14. You're left, at best, with about the same amount of free time as you have work time, and into that free time goes bill paying, grocery shoping, running errands... you know all this. Either work less, or make that work worth something more than a paycheck. But you also have to survive, adn that requires money.

I think it plagues women more than men. Most of my male friends simply go get jobs, make money, feel
secure, and don't question it any further. Men seem better able to think linearly, and are better able to compartmentalize their lives.

Me and said friends are all amazing, smart, beautiful, talented, creative women. We could make money if we wanted to. We could get married and have kids if we wanted to. We could do anything we wanted to. But we don't know what to do. We are
encumbered by opportunities. We are jacks, not aces. We don't have a home.

Adding another layer is often a sense of guilt associated with our searching. We have lived privelidged lives. Again, it wasn't like everything was handed to us on a silver platter. We had to work hard, make decisions, make sacrifices, but we all got a running start by coming from healthy, secure, supportive families. So, what's wrong with us? Don't we apprecciate what we've had? I don't feel these guilts so much anymore, but I certainly have in the past few years.

I"m letting go of the guilt. Life hands you a set of cards, and you do what you can.

But some of us feel like we're on a quest. Choosing the road less travelled isn't always a choice, I don't think.

The book made me think of my struggle with this question . On one hand, I think that all our experince eventually adds to something greater, even if it's just some little tourist stop along the way. So, sometimes I thought you should just do whatever you could do that was stimulating and that you could learn from.

We, you, I should think of the Big Picture, and the place you can really use all your skills. But this book also talks about how no one that he interviewed had an epiphany where they sat up one time and knew exactly what was perfect for them. It was more a tug in this direction or that direction, and experience along the way. But then one thing a friend said months ago that was disharmonic with me at the moment, and has stuck with me, was that you shouldn't have to do the things that you don't like, and I totally disagree. All jobs have parts that are boring or uninteresting or whatever, and that's just part of life, and it also challenges you and you learn just as much from doing the things you do like as doing the things you don't like.

I have been considering a PhD for the past, oh, 15 years.
A phD should be carefully considered.

It can kill one's spirit, and the passion for the thing you are studying. I've barely written 10 poems since graduating with my MFA in poetry over a year ago. But it's all a pendulum, and I am doing other writing, and am sure poetry will resurface sooner or later.


Well, I just finished WSIDWML?, and that paragraph got my mind racing.

In general, I'm not worrying about it right now. I am about 2/3 of the way through a month of reading and writing.

I was a little worried I would get bored. I like having a lot of things going on. I have had days that I thought I was bored. I miss my arts and crafts and garden. But I am finding other ways to entertain myself, like developing my plans for when I rule the world, and then making a blog about it.